The Hero of P4X 588
by chaletian
Summary: Together with faithful companions Dr Percy Northumberland, botanist, Lieutenant George and their Athosian guide Baldrick, Captain Edmund Blackadder performs acts of extreme bravery and gallantry thoughout the wilds of the Pegasus galaxy.


**The Hero of P4X 588**

**by Liss Webster**

"Now," said Elizabeth Weir, sitting back, "I hear you have a problem with one of the officers?"

"Well, it's this guy Blackadder," began Sheppard, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm just…"

"Blackadder?" Elizabeth interrupted, looking taken aback, and mildly offended. "The hero of P4X 588?"

"The what now?" demanded Rodney suspiciously.

"P4X 588," said Elizabeth.

"Never heard of it," said John.

"It's classified," she replied with an airy wave. "But rest assured, Major, Blackadder's one of the best we've got."

oOo

Blackadder, at that precise moment, was lying stretched out in the sun on one of Pegasus' many Ancient-abandoned planets, shades covering his eyes, and some sort of local cocktail within arm's reach.

"This is more like it," he said, shifting slightly to take better advantage of the breeze currently being supplied by a native woman with a giant leaf. She was long of hair and buxom of figure, and Blackadder eyed her appreciatively. "Better this galaxy than the one back home, with parasitic worms trying to take over your body every day of the week and impending doom looming constantly on the event horizon."

"Well, there _are_ the Wraith," commented the botanist, a weedy looking chap called Percy. At the word, the natives drew back, fear on their faces. Blackadder waved a dismissive hand.

"Pah! What are the Wraith? A bunch of overly evolved beetles who would benefit from a decent hairdresser! I mock them," he said, mockingly.

The natives gathered closer, obviously impressed by such courage.

"You are brave indeed, Black Adder of Atlantis," said their leader.

"Yeah, which is odd," put in Baldrick, their Athosian guide to all things Pegasus, "because when we were on that planet with the dangly…"

"Yes, yes, that's enough, Baldrick," interrupted Blackadder quickly. "We don't want to bore these nice people with tales from the dangly planet. Except, of course, that I was terribly, _terribly_ brave and saved Lt George, here. Didn't I?"

"Oh, rather," said Lt George, clutching his P90 close and keeping to his tight circuit around the little forest clearing Percy Northumberland had led them to, as he cooed over the foliage. "Frightfully brave chap, Captain Blackadder," he continued. "I mean, the tales he could tell about his…"

"Well, I could if they weren't – tragically – all top secret," said Blackadder, shaking his head sadly. "Utterly classified. As classified as General O'Neill's secret plans to capture Dr Jackson, put him in an Ancient gender-swapping machine and turn him into a blonde typist from Bury St Edmunds called Betty, with extra classified on top."

The natives continued to view him with awe, and the exotic women redoubled her efforts at fanning him. Her gaze happened to fall on Percy, and he flushed, fell over, and skittered sideways towards Blackadder.

"I think she's fallen under the old Northumberland charm, eh, Captain?" he said coyly.

"Shut up, Percy," said Blackadder wearily. "Just because you spend your days dusting one alien plant's stamen with another alien plant's pollen and calling it 'a bloody good shag' does not make you some kind of Pegasus Casanova."

"Right," said Percy, backing off. "Absolutely. I'm just going to look at those flowers over there."

"Mm," said Blackadder, eyeing the fanning woman's breasts.

This idyll, however, was not to last for long. Blackadder had only just finished telling them about how he had single-handedly (practically) defeated the Goa'uld, when Baldrick sauntered back into the clearing.

"So," he said, jerking a thumb back towards the stargate, "the Wraith are here. Oh, I wouldn't worry," he added, as the natives fell to their knees and began praying, "Captain Blackadder'll see them off."

"Oh, noble Black Adder of Atlantis," cried the leader, "deliver us from these monsters!"

"Yes!" went up the cry, "save us, Black Adder!"

Blackadder laughed. It was, to the untutored ear, a sound full of devil-may-care confidence. "Oh, well, of course! Absolutely! Normally I'd be delighted to save you from the Wraith, however by a tragic coincidence, I've just remembered that I've got a couple of overdue reports and the duty sergeant on Atlantis is a vicious harlot called Miggins who'd castrate me as soon as look at me, so we'd better be heading back. Which way did you say the Wraith were coming from, Baldrick?" Baldrick pointed. "Right. Well. We'll be off this way, then," he said, walking in the opposite direction at a quick clip. "Come on, Lt George. Leave the flowers, Perce."

"But… but… but… the people?" said Percy, dazedly.

"Will be absolutely fine," said Blackadder breezily. The headed in a roundabout way to the stargate, Lt George in the lead. They were just coming to the end of the forest, when Lt George tensed.

"I say, sir!" he said in a piercing whisper. "There's a bunch of those Wraith chaps over there!" He strapped his helmet on determinedly. "Come on, Captain! Let's show those Pegasus losers what real soldiers are like! For Queenie, Earth and Atlantis!" he cried, and leapt forward, only to come to an undignified halt as Blackadder grabbed him by the scruff of his neck.

"Not so fast, Lieutenant," he said. "I don't know about you but I am less than keen on the idea of becoming a tasty little Wraith supper." He scowled at the Wraith, who seemed to have found something on the ground and were poking at it with a stick. "I mean, what were the Ancients thinking?" Blackadder demanded. "Crossing humans with bugs isn't bizarre enough, let's make them _suck the life out of people_ as well? You've got to admire their dedication to _total insanity_ but I'd rather they hadn't gone to the trouble."

He was just coming to the end of this diatribe, when all four Wraith suddenly disappeared in a flash of light. Blackadder's eyebrow rose. "Wraith! Can't cope with a bit of gentle teasing," he sneered.

"That," said Baldrick, "was unusual."

Lt George's jaw dropped. "I say!" he exclaimed. "I am amazed! As amazed as an Egyptian youth who wakes up to find…"

"Yes, thank you, Lieutenant," snapped Blackadder. "We don't need any more of your drivel. Percy! What just happened?"

Percy was bursting with excitement. "I-I-I can't believe that worked! It has long been my theory," he went on, his voice lowered confidentially, "that certain frequencies, when combined with the latest in polymer technology and…"

"Percy," said Blackadder, "did you or did you not make those Wraith disappear into thin air?"

Percy beamed. "I did! I did, Blackadder!"

"Well, you're not a total waste of genetic material, then," said Blackadder and, ignoring the hand that the ecstatic Percy had held up to be high-fived, sauntered over to where the leader and the rest of the natives had emerged, bristling with pointy sticks and, in one case, a bow and arrow.

"It's all perfectly fine," said Blackadder kindly. "You'll not be having any problems with those Wraith any more."

The leader looked at him, goggle-eyed, then knelt deferentially. "The Great Black Adder of Atlantis," he murmured, and everyone else followed suit.

oOo

"…And that," said Blackadder coolly, "is how we got the fifty cases of diamonds – they use them at the bottom of flower pots, by the way – the sixty cases of what appears to bear a striking resemblance to coffee, and a ZPM."

McKay just stared, slightly open-mouthed, eyes glassy. "Wow."

"Oh, Captain Blackadder!" said Weir, and giggled.

"So how'd you get that doohickey, anyway?" demanded Sheppard, frowning. Blackadder waved a modest hand.

"Oh, you know. Just one of things one has lying around. The credit has to go to Dr Northumberland, though?"

"Oh?" said Weir. Percy blushed and gazed adoringly at Blackadder.

"Oh yes," said Blackadder. "He carried the damn thing back."

"Huh," said Sheppard, and punched Blackadder on the shoulder.

"Mmm," said Weir, and fluttered her eyelashes.

"Wow," said McKay, and grabbed the ZPM and an armful of coffee.

Blackadder smirked. "Just another day in the Pegasus Galaxy for E Blackadder," he said.

"Berk," said Baldrick, but nobody heard him.

THE END


End file.
